It had been since August 2009 since I last blogged. I don't remember making a conscience effort not to blog, so I don't know why I stopped. I have plenty to say, maybe I wasn't valuing what I did have to say?
The year 2010 was filled with a lot of challenges, and many blessings too. The blessings seemed more like smaller tender mercies of the Lord, while the challenges were very large and overwhelming. The major blessing last year was that I had a job offer before I had graduated. I really do enjoy my job. Sometimes I think to myself that I can't believe I get paid to do what I do. Another great thing is that the kids are healthy and happy. Jason has made a lot of improvement at school. He has lessened the gap of how far he is behind in certain subjects. I have been the recipient of much generosity, love and support. I hold on to and cherish any blessing that comes my way. I was so overwhelmed with blessings last month that I would frequently cry with joy.
The list of challenges is pretty overwhelming. It seems like it all started in June. I had a major emotional and physical trauma happen to me early that month. That event really shook my faith in a lot of things, mainly people. I started isolating myself after that event and feel like just recently I'm coming out of it. Then in July, my dear friend Brooke passed away. I have really missed her, especially the last couple of months. I could really use her advice on how to handle poor medical diagnoses. I had 2 medical procedures that took away my option to have any more kids. Those that know me, know that I haven't desired to have more kids for a while now, but having that option taken away is quite different. I've had back pain off and on for about 9 years now. In August, pain was constant, severe, and nothing like I had experienced before. I had to be an advocate for myself and wouldn't take an idiopathic diagnosis as an answer. It took months of blood tests, bone scans and MRI's to finally get some answers. I have been diagnosed with osteopenia which is pre-osteoporosis. I've also been diagnosed with mild degeneration of my cervical and thorasic discs, and moderate degeneration in my lower back. This is causing nerves to be pinched, causing a lot of pain. Nerve pain is not like any other pain I've had before. There is very little to no relief.
I have really been struggling to accept the fact that I have a disease that is guaranteed to get worse, resulting with an 90% chance that I will need back surgery by the time I'm 40, and 100% chance of back surgery in my life. I'm already very limited with the amount of housework I can do. The kids really do the majority of the house work, and if I try to do all of it, I end up just causing myself more pain. I am still trying to see the positive of all this happening. The kids are learning compassion and service at a very young age. They show unconditional love that often overwhelms me.
I learned last year to not play the "what if" game. Although I still entertain different scenarios of what my life will be like, I don't obsess over it. A thought that occurred to me this past weekend is if I'm ever going to remarry. I'm taking several years off from dating anyway for several reasons. One of those is not dating again until I would be past the age of where it would be expected of me to have children. The thought that I had recently was how can I even entertain the idea of marrying someone, when that person would have to do the majority of the house work and basically take care of me with the certainty that I'll have back surgery. This isn't fair to anyone and I will not put myself in that situation just so that person could grow to resent me and my physical limitations.
So please be patient with me. This new year will consist of me adapting and learning how to stay positive while living with chronic pain. I have a lot of spiritual, emotional and mental healing and growing to do. I thought I knew how to rely on the Lord, but the past 6 months I've learned to rely on Him more that what I thought was possible. And I know I will learn how to rely on Him even more. The power of the atonement is not only for our sins, but all of our trials and all manner of suffering.
